Mr. Smarty Pants, Don Rush, only received an Honorable Mention in this year’s Michigan Press Association Better Newspaper Contest for Local Column Writing. The judges only said of Rush’s efforts: ‘These columns on local issues and people strike a chord with the reader.? Despite his lackluster performance in writing, Rush has taken the week off. Go figure. So, here’s a column from November, 2002 to fill the space..
Earlier in the month my wife, and I’m sure many others, heard Michigan Radio host Todd Mundt interview botanist Dr. Tony Trewavas. She heard the interview while driving to somewhere, and when she got home she had to tell me about it.
And, once I heard the Reader’s Digest version of said interview I was left cold and chilly. Visions of 1950s horror films haunted my thoughts.
‘Todd Mundt’s show talked about plants with feelings,? dear wife Jen said. ‘They can feel and communicate.?
Indeed, Dr. Trewavas of the University of Edinburgh says we humans have underestimated plant life — that the only difference between us and them (besides they’re green, we have feet, hands and opposable thumbs) is that plants are not mobile.
Which means they can feel, see and taste. Individual types of plants adapt to their separate environments.
They’re alive! Was what I thought. It’s true! The end cannot be far behind. Kid, it’s a topsy-turvy world we live in. One day you’re on top of the food chain, eating whatever you can sink your teeth into, the next — I shudder to think of the ‘next.? The next day can only resemble either The Day of the Triffids or The Thing From Another World?
In both, vegetable aliens threaten the existence of human kind. And in both movies only man’s desire to survive and the fact he can throw things saves humanity. Triffids wither to smithereens when one throws salt water on them and the Walking Carrot Thing — aka actor James Arness — was burned and fried.
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I have long heard you should talk to your house plants, that they respond to kindness. You can sing to your plants, but never yell at your plants.
I actually e-mailed Dr. Trewavas to ask him what was going on in Edinburg. What is he trying to prove? Is he trying to make me feel guilty for going out to the back yard, breaking off a stalk of celery and biting into it?
What? Will there soon be anti-plant eaters protesting outside the produce market? Will there be a backlash against the vegan life-style?
I have these concerns because I have seen and heard the well-meaning, but lunatic fringe folks from PETA — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I have nothing against people who chose to be vegetarian — just leave me and my medium rare hamburger out of it.
We, people of all races, colors and creeds, are on top of the food chain — a number one, top of the heap, king of the hill, etc. And, until an alien species swoops down from the heavens and proves they’re masters of the food chain, we’re still numero uno. Which means we can eat all those further down the food chain ladder.
Guilt free.
But, alas I was born Catholic. I have a healthy dose of the guilts — for everything — and, to ease my mind about eating my veggies, I also e-mailed Winslow Briggs –botanist for the Carnegie Institution of Washington. And, here’s what he wrote me:
‘I know of no single case in which it has been demonstrated by sound science that plants have ‘feelings.?
‘Every case I have seen has had a completely logical explanation based on known responses of plants to their environment. Plants do respond to physical stimuli such as light, gravity, touch, even wind pressure (the wood is stronger on the undersides of large branches and on the downwind side for trees regularly exposed to wind from a certain direction) but there are perfectly plausible and extremely well studies cellular mechanisms to account for these responses.
‘Even reports that ‘plants prefer rock and roll to classical music? are tainted by the fact that the speakers are normally in the chamber with the plants. The louder the music the more ethylene or other volatile substance emitted by the speakers. Since ethylene is a natural plant hormone, finding a difference between the effects of loud and soft music is hardly surprising.
‘The bottom line is that although there are some true believers out there, there is no real scientific basis for their beliefs.?
He added, ‘Glad I could help you with your anxiety about celery.?
I don’t know about you, but, folks, I can sleep easier at night with this information.
Comments for the lazy and insensitive Mr. Don Rush can be e-mailed to: dontrushmedon@charter.net