A Note from Our Lawyers: The following column is an example of satire. It is not meant to be read as a serious news article. It is, however, meant to be funny and as such, should be read with a great deal of laughter. Those who take themselves way too seriously, have an overinflated sense of self-importance or who have a large piece of wood protruding from their gluteal region should avoid reading this column as it may cause unreasonable, over-the-top emotional reactions. Any resemblance to persons living, dead or yet-to-be-born is purely coincidental and fairly sad.

This just in to the news room . . .
Last week, Oxford Schools Strategic Planning Committee announced its new goal of providing K-12 students with an ‘Interstellar Education.?
‘A world-class education simply won’t cut it anymore,? said one committee member. ‘Any day now NASA could discover life on another planet or we could be visited by aliens.
‘If that happens, we won’t be worrying about the global market or the Chinese anymore. Our kids need to be ready to compete with extraterrestrials. We can’t let the Little Green Men beat them to the Big Green Bucks.?
To prepare students for dealing with the ever-changing interstellar marketplace, the district announced a whole series of new classes including Zero Gravity Physical Education; Inter-species Relations and You; So You Want to Pilot a Starship; and Turning Worm Holes into Profits with Tom Vu.
‘In order to accommodate these additional classes, the middle and high schools will begin operating on a quadmester system,? said a district official. ‘This will mean the end of summer vacation, spring break, winter break and Christmas break, but the good news is students will get Cinco de Mayo and Chinese New Year off, plus all 63 of our Professional Development days.?
All of these new courses will be taught by 26th Century Master Teachers brought here from the future by a time machine, which the district plans to construct through a $500 billion bond issue.
‘We borrowed another school district’s time machine, traveled into the future and discovered that Oxford voters overwhelmingly approved the bond, so we won’t bother to hold an election,? said a district official.
When asked if he thought that would be undemocratic and illegal, the district official replied, ‘You media-types are always looking to put a negative spin on things. How about praising the district for saving the taxpayers thousands of dollars by not holding an election that we already know we’re going to win??
Unfortunately, the superintendent could not be reached for comment as he’s on a 20-year business trip to the planet Glornak 7 in an attempt to find aliens, then recruit them as teachers for the district.
‘The hope is alien teachers will work cheaper and be more submissive than their human counterparts,? said one of the district’s many backup superintendents.
Some district officials fear traditional ways of educating students might not be enough for them to get a leg up on their off-world competition ? assuming the aliens have legs.
That’s why students in the AP biology and nanotechnology classes at Oxford High School have been given the go-ahead to begin genetically engineering a new breed of ‘Super Students.?
‘We can no longer rely on parents to breed good students the old-fashioned, clumsy way. There’s just too much room for error,? said one district official. ‘Nature’s messy and unreliable. Science is much more efficient and precise.?
These ‘Super Students? will be created in test tubes, then implanted with nanobots to further enhance their already genetically superior minds and bodies.
One district official indicated the goal would be for each ‘Super Student? to have the following abilities:
n Instantly become fluent in all languages, both human and alien, after only hearing a few words.
n Automatically know from birth how to play every sport and instrument there is including those not yet invented.
n Minds with links to computers for thought-sharing exercises, memory downloads and mental software upgrades.
Ultimately, the district plans to phase out enrollment of all students not created in a laboratory. ‘We’re taking the whole Schools of Choice concept to the next level ? to its logical conclusion,? explained a district official. ‘We’re choosing to enroll only the best and brightest students that we’ve literally bred for success.?
The district is planning to fund the ‘Super Students? program using the Project Imaginary Dollars grant it may or may not receive from the state at some point in the near or distant future. Although they’ve been awarded the grant, district officials are certain they’re not certain about whether or not they will actually receive any money.
Breeding students would automatically solve the district’s funding problems.
‘The more kids we make, the more money we get from the state. Bodies equal cash,? said a district official. ‘Facing a budget deficit? No problem. Just have the boys in the lab whip up enough students to give us a balanced budget.?
For more information about Oxford Community Schools? new Interstellar Education (IE) program, visit the Giant Hypnotic Brain and surrender your free will.