So last week I went against all things safe.
I broke out and tattled on a powerful secret society — the secret bread baker society, the SBBS. I ratted them out and what they wanted suppressed and kept hidden from honest, God-fearing Americans like yourselves. Fearing not for my safety, only caring that the truth got out, I reported on their sacredest of secrets.
Wrote I, ‘And, while I know I didn’t just fall out of the turnip truck yesterday, when did bread tie colors start meaning something??
‘I always figured bread bakers just ordered a bunch of bread bag twisty-thingies and used whatever color was available. Now, I hear the color of the tie, means what day the bread was baked.
‘And, if you break the color code, you’ll be able to buy only the freshest of loaves . . . According to the ‘net . . . bread bakers use different colored ties for different days, this helps the bread stocker know when to take older bread off the shelves.?
Well . . . that was wrong. I jumped the gun, didn’t double-check my sources; I broke no clandestine knowledge. Which may explain why I am still alive today.
Ever the reporter, I pushed on, infiltrated the society and found somebody willing, on the condition of anonymity, to speak. He approached me in an ill-lit and deserted parking garage. It was dark when ‘K-Man? came out of hiding. Standing in the shadows, so I couldn’t see his face, he told me the horrible truth which I am about to share with you.
In a voice gravely from too many years of smoking cheap cigars, this he said, ‘The colors represent the ‘pull date? on the bread.
‘Don’t be a chump, the colors ain’t about the bake date. It ain’t nothin? to do about no freshness. It’s all a ploy, see, to make it easier for thems on the inside. See, different colors mean different days which are different per distributor. Capisce?
‘By the dumb look on your Mick face, you ain’t connectin? the dots. Example: yellow ties are put out on Monday, to be pulled on Thursday. Black ties are for Tuesday to be pulled Friday. Blue ties are for special orders like Saturday.
‘Don’t you get it? The color ties are for the breadman. Not the consumer.?
An orange flicker from a wooden match briefly illuminated the hatchet face man who had spilled the beans. Soon a billowing cloud of stale tobacco smoke obscured my vision, and ‘K-Man? turned and lumbered away. As I watched, the trail of smoke behind him grow faint. About 20 yards away, he yelled back stressing his vocal cords, ‘And you didn’t get this particular knowledge from me. Watch your back, word slinger.?
Then he was gone.
And while a Don-sized Wonderbread bag coffin, may still be in my future, it comes with the job. So thus ends the mystery of the bread bag ties, I hope you all feel better for knowing the ‘truth.?
Comments, suggestions or questions for Don can be e-mailed to: don@dontrushmedon.com