Every year, there are 14,000 children in foster care in Michigan, 3,000 of whom will become available for adoption, with approximately 300 waiting for a permanent home at any given moment.
Last month, two of those children, Kayla, 11, and Jakob, 4, officially joined their forever family when they were adopted by Tim and Fiona Dibble.
‘They are mine and it is a huge relief to be at the end of the process,? said Fiona Dibble. ‘It has been in the balance once or twice and it was frightening, because we have committed to them in every way emotionally. If it had gone wrong it would have been devastating, but it didn’t and we are celebrating.?
November is National Adoption Month and this year’s theme is ‘We never outgrow the need for family,? focusing on the plight of older youth awaiting adoption (https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/nam/)
Tim, the former pastor of the Ortonville United Methodist Church, and Fiona were not new to the foster care system when Kayla and Jakob, siblings, first came to them three years ago. The Dibbles, who now reside in West Branch, where Tim is pastor of the United Methodist Church, first began fostering children when they still lived in Ortonville.
Fiona, 50, and Tim, 56, met in her native country, England, and wed 15 years ago. Fiona has two biological children, Adam, 28, and Rebekah, 24, from a previous marriage.
‘We always wanted to have more children, but I was getting a bit old for that kind of thing,? said Fiona. ‘I was 35, but things didn’t work out. At 40, I decided I wasn’t going to have any more biological children because the pregnancy risks are much higher.?
A representative from the Methodist Children’s Home came to speak to the OUMC congregation about the need for foster care parents in the spring of 2007 and afterward, the Dibbles expressed their interest in adopting children. They then began the process of becoming licensed through Oakland Family Services, which Fiona said involved a huge pile of paperwork, as well as a life story for each adult in the house. They went through PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education) training, developed by the Child Welfare League of America to provide a structural framework for foster and adoptive parents. The Dibbles also had to get modifications on their home to address safety issues.
‘People say anyone can be a foster parent, but it’s not that easy,? said Fiona. ‘It’s a pretty rigorous process. I don’t mind filling out the forms? I’m very focused and when I decide on a course of action, I have a tendency to plow through regardless.?
The Dibbles became licensed foster parents in 2008 for children up to age 11. They had decided against taking in teenagers, primarily because their daughter Rebekah was 15 at the time, and they didn’t want her to feel crowded. Fiona notes that the general rule of thumb when taking in foster children is to never take in a child the same age or older than a child who is already in the home. Children should be younger so as not to upset the natural order in which children arrive.
They were open to children of either gender and of any race. They could accept up to four children, and three siblings were placed with them. The Dibbles would eventually adopt Jessica, 9, and Anthony, 6, while Anthony’s twin would be moved to a more appropriate home for his special needs after a few months.
Fiona notes that every child in foster care has special needs, because the very act of being placed in foster care is a traumatic experience in their lives.
Many placements fail because of a lack of recognition by parents that children who have been traumatized don’t react the same way as non-traumatized children.
For the Dibbles, every child who has been placed with them came into the foster care system due to neglect and abuse. And with each child, there is a honeymoon period when they arrive in their new home as they are on their best behavior. As they become comfortable, some of their other behaviors appear.
‘You have to have it in your head that when the less desirable behavior starts, it’s kind of a compliment, because they feel more comfortable and are letting you see their real selves,? said Fiona. ‘The whole of life is about relationships and with these children, you don’t have a blank slate like you do with a newborn. There is a lot of baggage and you need to build that relationship, find ways to fill in the stuff they missed when they were babies. They need to be taught how to feel secure and how to trust people.?
Bonding with an older child does not come with the ease of holding them and gazing into their eyes as would be done with an infant, but requires building new memories by going places and doing things together, Fiona notes. As with the building of any relationship with another person, she continues, you talk, keep things honest, support each other. Foster parenting, like all parenting, takes effort and nurturing and rules.
Even when things appear to be going well, after-effects from a child’s previous traumas can show up at any time, as well as the ordinary bumps of any childhood, including adolescence, or the extraordinary, unexpected full-on catastrophes, like a life-threatening disease.
Jessica and Anthony’s biological parents? rights had already been terminated when the children were placed with the Dibbles and their adoption was finalized July 17, 2009. Jessica was very settled for the first few years, but Fiona said there was a ‘rough patch? when she hit her teens that she is just now exiting. Anthony presented challenges from the beginning, with many behavioral issues in school, but Fiona praises Brandon Schools staff, calling them ‘brilliant.? When the family relocated to Ypsilanti for a new Methodist Church pastoral assignment, Anthony went to a special school for children with emotional impairment. With the help of daily therapy and medications, he overcame his behavioral issues and even received a certificate for no disciplinary issues for an entire school year. But he had a bigger challenge to overcome.
In February 2014, Anthony, who had been suffering headaches and blurred vision, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Three days later, he underwent a 10-hour operation at U-M Mott Children’s Hospital to remove the majority of the tumor. He began radiation therapy and nine cycles of chemotherapy.
The Dibbles couldn’t know when they formally adopted Jessica and Anthony any of the turbulent events in store for them, but the judge asked them at the adoption ceremony, as the judge asks all prospective parents, to verify their understanding that they were accepting the children they were adopting as theirs, as if they had them from birth, and the children have the same rights, just as the parents have the same responsibilities.
‘Some people think if it doesn’t work out they can hand them back and that is not how it works, nor how we would want it,? said Fiona. ‘You don’t adopt a child unless you’re committed for life, same as if you are bearing a child? you shouldn’t have one without the commitment.?
The Dibbles were? and are? committed, and they faced the sorrow of a sick child, just as they are celebrating the joy of a healthy one with Anthony’s doctors declaring him cancer-free earlier this summer.
All parenting is risky, Fiona notes, and each time they have accepted foster children into their homes and hearts, the Dibbles have also taken the risk that they will have to give them back. Such was the risk they took when welcoming Kayla and Jakob into their home in 2013 when she was 8 and he was just 20-months-old. Their birth parents? rights had not yet been terminated, despite abuse and neglect.
The goal of foster care is reunification with birth parents in most cases, and Fiona agrees with this goal, although she believes at times the state sets the bar too low and the system is geared more to the needs of the biological parents than their children. It is also frustrating to her when people tell her they aren’t strong enough to be foster parents because they couldn’t bear to give children back. The implication, she said, is that foster parents are superhumans that don’t attach to these children.
‘We have mourned the loss of every one of them,? said Fiona. ‘You give them back because the law requires that you do. Most adults could do what we do, you just have to want to.?
‘If not us, then who?? asks Tim. ‘These kids need somebody and if we can, why shouldn’t we? Some of our (foster children) were very difficult, but someone had to love them, had to give them a chance.?
It also should not be assumed that children taken in to a foster or adoptive home are automatically grateful. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they are not. Fiona and Tim feel blessed to have them, as they had a choice, but the children did not.
‘We were able to provide stability and care for children, but one of our goals was to have a bigger family and that is what we’ve got? it’s not just about them, but us too,? said Fiona.
They have learned plenty about themselves, including, Tim laughs, that he is a lunatic.
‘I always wanted to be a father,? he said. ‘This isn’t the way everyone does it, but it’s a way that works for us. I had a wonderful father and mother and had an opportunity to share that with a whole bunch of kids. How much they take with them is up to them. Some were young and won’t remember us, but it doesn’t mean we didn’t have an impact. The lasting thing is that we made a contribution. How it ends, we won’t always know.?
For Jessica, now 16, Anthony, 14, and now Kayla and Jakob, they have a permanent, stable, safe home, with parents that love them. For the Dibbles, their family was completed Oct. 29 with the adoptions of Jakob and Kayla. The transition has been fairly seamless for Jakob and they will talk with him about his adoption when he is older. For Kayla, she wants nothing to do with her past, only to forget what has happened before.
Last week, she had a timeline project in school. Fiona notes they adapted the project, doing three or four events for each year since she came into their family.
And Kayla appears ready to close a dark chapter as she opens a bright one, titling her project, ‘My Happy Life.?