(Editor’s note: October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The story below about a local woman who survived domestic abuse is the first in a 2-part series. Names have been changed to protect identities.)
Brandon Twp.- The first 10-15 years of Stephanie’s life were very unsteady. Her parents had married very young and she describes her father in his 20s as wild and straight-up mean. He abused alcohol and her mother.
When Stephanie was 11 and her older brother was 13, their father went on a rampage and knocked their mother unconscious one day while Stephanie was at a friend’s. Stephanie’s brother pushed their father away and gave their mother CPR. She regained consciousness and fled the house with her eldest son and her 1-year-old to Stephanie’s grandparents? home. They called Stephanie and told her to hide.
‘The cops came, but didn’t arrest anyone,? Stephanie recalls. ‘Mom said she wouldn’t go back, but dad convinced her otherwise.?
Stephanie’s father entered a church program and was able to change his ways, she says, adding, ‘He’s still trying to make up for all of it.?
But for Stephanie, the norm of relationship behavior was established. A few years later, she would find herself in a position similar to what her mother’s had been.
Stephanie had a crush on the guy with the sad eyes. Mike came from a broken home? his mother cheated on his father, they divorced, and she had a nervous breakdown. She took medications, drank heavily and beat her children.
Mike confided in Stephanie and it became her mission to help him. They started dating during their senior year in high school. His jealous streak was apparent very early on. The pair went to parties and Stephanie recalls that if Mike even thought someone was looking at her, ‘he would beat the crap out of them.? The possessiveness expanded to include her friends and family, with Mike telling her she didn’t need to go out with her friends and convincing Stephanie to move in with him, that her parents were the enemy.
Soon, he was telling her how to dress and not to wear make-up.
‘He would say, ‘Don’t put that make-up on, or don’t wear those clothes? they make you look like a whore or cheap,? she said. ‘Everything I did or said was because I was a whore… All women were the same.?
One evening when they were out with a bunch of teens, Mike punched one of his friends that he thought was looking at Stephanie. She asked, ‘What are you doing?? and he backhanded her. She left with a girlfriend and then went to get her things from his house, but he arrived and dragged her into the house by her hair. He broke her nose and she didn’t leave the house for days. He told her if she ever told anyone, he’d kill her.
‘I was only 18 and I had the fear of God put in me,? Stephanie, now 40, recalls. Several more incidents followed.
Although her mother suspected, Stephanie didn’t want to admit it to her parents, who had told her that moving in with him would be the biggest mistake she would make in her life.
Stephanie graduated, but Mike didn’t. During a graduation party, drunk, Mike grabbed her by the hair and told her, ‘Just because you graduated, you think you’re all that.? She left the party and went back to their house.
What happened next she describes as a free-for-all. Mike knocked her into cabinets and she expressed amazement her arm wasn’t severed when she was pulled through a window.
‘I was thinking, ‘This is it. He’s going to kill me.??
She moved back home with her parents. Mike came over and apologized to her and the family and convinced them all he was sorry. He got a new job and a diploma and Stephanie started dating him again. He asked her to marry him and said he’d turned over a new leaf. He bought her an engagement ring. But soon the old behavior started showing up again.
In January, she learned she was pregnant. Mike started telling her that now that she was pregnant, no one would want her.
‘The mind games started,? Stephanie said. ‘You start to believe some of the things you’re told? that you’re not worth anything.?
Meanwhile, she was thinking there would be no more college for her, and no one to take care of the baby. Mike was convinced the child was a boy and when the baby arrived in June, she rejoiced that it was a girl.
‘I gave her my maiden name, which infuriated him,? she said. ‘He didn’t want anything to do with her. I didn’t want him to. At that moment, I realized my life was not my own. In the hospital, I was strong. I knew things wouldn’t work out between us.?
When their daughter was less than six-weeks-old, she broke it off for good and didn’t pursue child support, as she wanted nothing to do with him. Her daughter has seen her father only occasionally over the years and is now in college.
The years were tough. She worked full-time and struggled as a single mom. There were a lot of Spaghetti-O dinners.
‘I realized though, that I could go to bed hungry or I could go to bed beaten, battered and bruised,? Stephanie said. ‘People are kind. If you need help, they’ll give it. If you can break free of that one person who controls you so much you lose your identity, life can be incredible.?
Stephanie went to a therapist before marrying her younger child’s father to avoid repeating mistakes of her past. The couple is divorced for non-abuse related reasons and Stephanie is in another relationship now, although she doubts she will marry again. However, the therapy was invaluable. She learned that she was used to a chaotic environment from her childhood and fell into the same type of relationship with Mike.
‘You get used to living on the edge,? she said. ‘I know a lot of women who have been abused. Some are divorced and others think it is the norm… If I hadn’t seen the therapist, I wouldn’t have ‘gotten it.? I just knew I didn’t want my daughter to go through what I and my mom had gone through. I was never going to let anyone hurt her the way I was hurt or my mom was hurt. I did it for myself, but she was my excuse. You can break the cycle, it doesn’t have to be repeated.?
Need help? Call toll free crisis & support (877) 933-1274.
Next week: Look for another local survivor’s story, as well as commentary on domestic violence from a prosecutor and women’s shelter CEO.