Gay marriage

Let me start off by stating the obvious: We’re all mature here in the hallowed halls of Don’trushmedon (well, all of you are). As mature individuals of higher intellect, living the good life in the land of the free and the home of the brave, we all understand a couple of things.
One: Someday — hopefully later rather than sooner — we’re all gonna kick the bucket, push up daisies, croak — pick your own euphemism.
Two: The taxes you pay will continue to smackin-frackin, blizin-rizin rise.
These are truisms of life in these here United States.
No matter how much we tinker with cloning ourselves, we’re not gonna live forever. And, no matter how many times politicos ‘cut? our taxes we always end up paying more money to every level of government. We pay more taxes despite the fact the tax burden is spread over an ever growing amount of taxpayers. Go figure.
And, while more money is going to the government coffers, its seems we’re always in or just around the corner from some sort of financial/budgetary crisis. I don’t claim to understand how projected budget surpluses and projected budget deficits relate to real-world accounting practices. You either have enough money in your checking account or you hope your check doesn’t kite too fast. That’s the real world.
I do understand that no matter what the federal financial situation, the fat cats will always be fed and the little fish will be swallowed — that’s life in the big, deep waters. Nationally, a million dollars here, a million dollars there means nothing. It’s chump change, a splash in the pan. Nothing.
Locally, however, it is a different story.
A million bucks locally can fill a lot of potholes. Locally, pennies do add up. So that is why I say it is time we start thinking outside of the box. We need to come up with new ideas the local government can use to fill their bank accounts. We need to invent more local revenue to help our local government help each and every one of us. I want you — masters of your own domains — to don your thinking caps. Right this second I want you to close your eyes and focus. You’re going to a special place full of wonderful things and vivid colors. It’s peaceful . . .
Open your eyes!
It’s working! I’ve got it! You all can thank me latter. Here’s my idea, freshly pressed and out of the dusty closet that is my mind.
Our local government needs to start issuing gay marriage licenses and marrying gay-folk. If what ‘they? say is true and up to ten percent of the general population is . . .um . . . gay, and let’s say we charge a thousand bucks per license . . . this could be a financial windfall for us locals. Why let the fringe states of New York and California get all the money? Let’s get in there and start scrapping for it, too.
Just think of it. If only 500 licenses are sold, that’s a cool five hundred big ones to put towards new books for the library, more riding lawn mowers for the parks, more for cops to pound the pavement (do they still do that?) and more money for our children.
Or, that could be $500,000 less they have to tax us. Hot damn, what a great idea!
And, as soon as the word got out folks from all over the country will be hell-bent for leather just to get here.
As sure as God didn’t write about Adam and Steve, this could be a boon to the local economy. Think of all the spin-off industries created with gay marriage. We’ll need more gay attorneys (or attorneys who specialize in gay affairs). We would need more dressmakers and tuxedo rental places. Local bakers would need to hire more bakers to fill cake orders. We would need more limo drivers, flower peddlers, invitation printers . . . oh the possibilities!
I see local tax rates plummeting.
What was that?
You say gay marriages aren’t legal.
Moral schmoral. Legal, schmegal. So what if the marriages are not legal — that ain’t stopping other places from performing gay marriages. It’s just a little slip of paper, it’s a little thing the courts can sort things out later. I say, let the money start flowing now. And, morality and America don’t often go together –America is about the money. Pretty soon we can start charging for polygamist marriages, too. The possibilities are endless. There’s no stopping this thing!
Well, there you go. I’ve done my part for the greater good of government. I have helped the machine. Any other smarty-pants out there with better ideas should let me know.
To contact that freethinking (?) individual named Don e-mail

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