Listening to Mayor Kilpatrick explain that he ‘is on a mission from God to run the city of Detroit? must have brought out a hosanna of chortles from our Maker. Perhaps Kilpatrick misspoke himself and should have stated, ‘ruin the city.? And all along I thought Jake and Elwood, The Blues Brothers, were the only ones on a ‘mission from God!?
And in deference to comedian Flip Wilson whose trademark retort was, ‘The devil made me do it,? the mayor indicated that he is immune from the devil, but that ‘God had presented him with challenges.?
And of course all this adverse publicity for him and his chief of staff and the City of Detroit could have been avoided, according to the Mayor, had one of the local newspapers not acted in an illegal fashion in releasing the text messages.
Many years ago, President Clinton was being questioned about his illicit affair and he uttered those now famous words: ‘It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is? is.? Kilpatrick and his legal beagles seem to have taken a similar tact while defining the word ‘secret agreement.?
I suspect if pressed on this issue we might be led into a discussion of ‘if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?? All of the mayor’s explanations and rebuttals are just as mind-boggling!
Obviously the mayor considers himself Teflon, where nothing of consequence such as the alleged perjury should stick to him. This whole charade of covering up a monumental scandal along with Kilpatrick’s denial of ‘secret agreements? and an illicit affair and his finding religion at the opportune times, can also be summed up in the cynical, sarcastic words of the Church Lady from ‘Saturday Night Live? when she uttered those infamous, condescending words, ‘Well, isn’t that special!?

Just when you thought our state had bottomed out in the arsenal of bad ideas, now comes a proposal so outrageous that it borders on lunacy!’Let’s first of all review some of the masterful ideas coming out of Lansing.?
*House Bill #5046 will allow people with inflammatory bowel problems to use ’employees only? restrooms in retail stores.’A doctor’s note will have to be produced to prove that one’s anal leakage malady merits using the pristine confines normally reserved for employees of the store. Hopefully the time taken to review the note will be short lived so the customer can make a quick exit to the commode!?
*And let’s not forget the proposed law currently winding through the legislature that would allow motorcyclists to ride sans helmet for a fee of $100.’The theory is that out- of-state cyclists avoid Michigan because of our helmet law and thus we are losing millions in tourist dollars.’I suspect many of these riders lack customary health coverage and thus when their craniums bounce off the pavement during an accident we will be responsible for lodging them in our hospitals. Talk about an incentive for traveling to Michigan.’Free health care if you are brain dead ? and yes, I’m referring to the cyclists, not our legislature! But on the other hand? hmmm.
*Then there’s the new budget originating from our uninspired governor and the lackluster legislature. I’m sure placing a tax on the ‘bronzing of baby shoes,? ‘balloon-o-grams? and ‘singing telegrams? will quickly result in a landslide of income for the state.? And here’s my singing telegram to these mindless, myopic misfits:?’Turn out the lights ? the party’s over.?
*And now comes the granddaddy of all preposterous projects ? how about building a two mile stretch of fencing along U.S. 31 to prevent migrating turtles each spring from being killed while trying to cross the busy stretch of road while in search of nesting sites near the Muskegon River?’This proposal is from the Michigan Department of Transportation at a mere cost of $318,000.’Can’t these four-legged, slow moving terrapins just reside in the sewer system? The Ninja Turtles did and evidently had an enjoyable lifestyle. And what’s to prevent these wily creatures from crawling over the fence ? they might just be Mexican alien turtles!
Frankly, I think there is a better way to handle this situation. Since our governor and legislature evidently have time on their hands to come up with these inane, insane ideas let’s put their leisure time to good use. How about stationing these mental midgets on the sides of U.S. 31 during turtle migration season. Then as Tommy Turtle and his friends start that dangerous stroll across U.S. Highway 31, the governor and her cohorts can steer them to safety by placing them in bags and carting them to the other side.
On the other hand, if legislation is passed on the helmet issue, the expected influx of helmet-less motorcyclists who will be flocking to our state may just tip the balance back again in favor of motor vehicles.
The turtles may move a bit slower than Michigan’s government (just barely) but at least the terrapins have a plan and know where they are going!

Well, it was inevitable. My health care insurance just went up again. And guess what? My insurer stated that it would increase again in May 2008, but for an undetermined amount.
Now that’s what I call planning, at least on their behalf. Maybe they’re waiting to see what their country club fees will be for next year before they can prepare my bill. For me the unknown is giving me heart palpitations and I may need to see a doctor.
And speaking of doctors, have you noticed that the only people dining in expensive restaurants and attending black tie events are healthcare professionals? At least someone is enjoying my money.
Maybe every now and then my doctor could pass me a couple of gift certificates to a nice restaurant but then he would argue that it would adversely impact my cholesterol.
And how about all those hospital commercials warning us that unless our doctor is a resident of a particular facility our chances for survival may be adversely impacted. But what are my chances if that same doctor just so happens to have graduated last in his class – do I get a discount? I think not.
A disturbing trend has unfortunately begun in healthcare commercials. Some hospitals have become the oil change establishments of our time. Instead of a guaranteed 30-minute-oil change, we now hear about the ?29 minute service in our emergency waiting room or two tickets to a movie and a pizza.?
Recently I had hernia surgery. The operation began at 7:15 a.m. and I was home relaxing at 11:30 a.m. (If you call that relaxing, when it feels like your abdomen is dropping to the floor!) I guess the whole process came in under the four hour allotted time frame for that type of procedure, so I missed out on the free pizza.
On the other hand, do people really drive out of their own neighborhoods to a hospital some 35 miles away that guarantees thirty-minute emergency room service? Will ambulance drivers heed my suggestion to detour me to a facility that offers movie tickets should admission policies be slow? I don’t think so.
Recently I saw a billboard for a hospital that read: ‘Do you want it fast or correct?? That says it all.
What’s next? Perhaps a guarantee such as ‘If we can’t complete your kidney transplant in 90 minutes or less, you receive another operation of your choice for free.? Can’t we just have professional, sensitive, knowledgeable service without gimmicks?
Well, now I’m off to a hospital in northern Michigan for a colonscopy. They offer a free lobotomy if I am not satisfied with their service, therefore, the entire episode can be erased from my memory if I’m not satisfied.
On the way I may stop along I-75 to see that famous Michigan attraction, namely, The Man Eating Clam. Wonder if my insurance covers extrication from a clam?

In August of 1993 I donated 40% of my liver to a 9-year-old boy who had Cystic Fibrosis. His name was Ian Young. His mother Debbie Dunn (now Debbie Young) was my wife Kathleen’s closest childhood friend.
When Deb and her husband Jeff became pregnant, they worked hard to be healthy. Deb exercised and ate right and had a great pregnancy.
When it was time to give birth, Jeff called Kathleen and she rushed to the hospital to attend. But Ian’s birth did not go well. He was born lethargic and quite unresponsive. At one point the doctor told a nurse to bag him. Poor Jeff thought he meant a body bag ? ‘Hey, give him a chance!? he cried. But the doctor was referring to a breathing apparatus.
The doctors worked hard to bring him around. Eventually he did respond, but it was a struggle from the beginning. Eventually Ian would be diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis and Polycystic Kidneys. Deb and Jeff would be in and out of hospitals with Ian for years.
Cystic Fibrosis tends to attack the liver and/or lungs. It is a fatal disease and at that time of the transplant, most youth struggled to survive into their 20’s. For Ian, it was the liver that was failing. He was 9 and his liver would no longer sustain him. There were many desperate drives to the hospital and brushes with death. Eventually, he was’air-vacced? to Wyler’s Children Hospital in Chicago. He could no longer survive with his current liver. He would need a transplant.
In 1993, the majority of all liver transplants were done with cadaver donor livers. The waiting list was long though, and people often died waiting. Ian’s health was progressing from bad to very bad. He would not be able to wait.
By the summer of 1993 there were a number of live liver transplants done in the US. This procedure takes a portion of a living person’s liver and transplants it into the sick patient. It looked like this was the only option for Ian. At that point in time, about 50 live donor transplants had been completed in the US. All the donors were relatives.
The liver is an amazing organ. It has the ability to regenerate tissue. When a portion is taken from a donor and inserted into the recipient, the liver will grow as the recipient grows. Additionally, the portion of liver that was taken from the donor can be regenerated by itself if it needs to be (doctors informed me that not everyone uses 100% of their liver – seems odd, but I just blinked and nodded. What do I know?)
Donating a liver is not like a bone marrow transplant. With a bone marrow transplant you must match some incredible number of variables and it is all very complicated. That is why people across the nation get on the bone marrow transplant list and sick people still never find a match. With a liver transplant there are some variables but it really comes down to blood type, the health of the donor and the liver itself. Apparently the liver has to have the veins and arteries orchestrated in such a way that they can cut a big piece out and not disrupt the rest.
Jeff Young, Ian’s father, immediately volunteered to donate. But after 3 days of testing he was told he was an unsuitable candidate. Debbie’s sister Sandy volunteered. She went to Chicago. She was tested. She was not a candidate. Her husband Johnny volunteered. He was tested. He was not a candidate. Debbie’s other sister Diane went to Chicago. She was not a candidate…
They were running out of family members and out of time.
Next time ? Finding a donor.

My name is Michael Fallon and I grew up in Lake Orion. I currently live in Lake Orion as well (my mugshot will be posted with future columns).
I approached the Orion Review with the idea that I would like to share some of the stories of my life. And though I’m not a celebrity, or someone you might normally read about, I have had a number of interesting experiences where some really strange and wonderful things have happened.
Some of the stories I will be sharing with you include the liver transplant operation where I was the first non-related live liver donor in the US, our housefire (including the battle with the insurance company, public adjusters, and everyone else trying to capitalize on our tragedy). How not to survive kidney stones. What it was like to wrestle for Lake Orion High School. Being the first white people to visit an African village, and many other strange-but-true experiences.
In today’s edition I am going to share the story I call ‘the bizarre airport incident.?
It is 1993 and I am about to donate a portion of my liver to a very sick nine-year-old boy named Ian Young who will die if he doesn’t have the operation (full story in future edition). Though we were told the operation could not be scheduled for at least three weeks, we got the call after only one week. The problem was that my wife Kathleen was in New York. She managed to get a flight the same day and I took my three young children with me to the airport to ‘get Mom!?
We found the terminal at the airport and watched as the plane arrived. We crowded up as the people began to file out. We watched every single person get off that plane including the stewardesses and the pilot. No Kathleen though. The kids looked at me and I shrugged. We asked the stewardess working the door if she had a Kathleen Fallon on the flight. She said she couldn’t give out any information about the flight.
I assumed Kathleen had either missed the flight or I had the wrong terminal. We went to the next terminal where a flight was coming in from New York, but still no wife and mother. I went to a payphone and made some calls. Yes, she had gotten on her plane without incident. No, they didn’t know the flight number. We checked another flight from New York. No luck. I waited for one more plane and then gave up. She would have to get a taxi or something. I didn’t know what else to do. We didn’t have cell phones back then. The kids were exhausted, I was beyond frustrated, and it seemed hopeless at this point.
We started to leave when a thought popped in my head. I should call on the courtesy phone and have her paged. Why hadn’t I thought of that before? I found the nearest phone and picked it up. I was expecting someone on the other end to say something like ‘Hello this is the operator,? or ‘This is a courtesy phone, how can I help you?? or a dial tone or something. Instead it sounded hollow. Like a phone off the hook at the other end. I could actually hear airport sounds and so I started saying ‘Hello, hello.? The voice on the other end said, ‘Hello?? I recognized the voice. I said, ‘Kathleen, is that you?? She said, ‘Michael?!?
I know it is unbelievable, but we both got the idea to use the courtesy phone at the same time, and then we both picked one up at the same time. Somehow we were connected. She was down by baggage and I was up and over somewhere. We rushed to where she was and there was much rejoicing. The kids wanted to know why we didn’t do that sooner.

Several years ago Joni Mitchell serenaded us with her hit ‘Big Yellow Taxi.? There was a line in that song that I’m confident some of you remember – ‘Pave Paradise and put up a parking lot.?
If you happen to wander through downtown Lake Orion you may just hear some merchants singing their own version – ‘Revive Sagebrush and now we are a parking lot.?
The reopening of this revitalized cantina has drawn hoards of Mexican food aficionados to Lake Orion like moths to a bright light. The corresponding increase in foot traffic has brought about a frantic search for parking spots much to the dismay of the other merchants.
At a recent meeting of the Downtown Development Authority to address the situation board member Dick Hassberger said it best: ‘A lot of towns would kill for the opportunity to have a draw like the Sagebrush.?
And yet some of the merchants have decided that it is not in their best interests to have this influx of potential customers flock into the area. The cacophony of complainers seems to be growing. Go figure!
A friend of mine whose spouse has her hair done in downtown Lake Orion indicated that before Sagebrush Cantina reopened her stylist was complaining that there was a lack of walk-ins. Now that the Cantina has turned on the lights again and the appetizing aroma of Mexican food is wafting through the streets, this same stylist is complaining that the parking situation is out of control.
Which would you prefer – the potential for new business or no business?
The increased foot traffic in downtown Lake Orion, thanks to the Sagebrush Cantina, would seem to be a godsend and a perfect opportunity for the various merchants to increase their own business.
Certainly their advertising costs will diminish because the hordes of potential customers are descending on the downtown area by word of mouth. So there’s a savings right up front – reduced advertising costs.
There are going to be large crowds of people wandering through the area for the foreseeable future so the stores might as well take advantage of it.
With an abundance of new potential customers entering the area that are frequenting the Sagebrush Cantina it’s really up to the various merchants on how to best transform this influx into new customers and sales.
Each merchant can stage his or her own campaign capitalizing on the Sagebrush customers who no doubt will have time on their hands while waiting for a table.
And if all else fails, here’s a suggestion from a local Baptist Church trying to rid its lot of unwanted parked cars: the church erected a sign that read – No parking. Violators will be baptized.

Now that ‘The Donald? and Rosie have momentarily quelled their donnybrook, the specter of Oakland County Executive Brooks Patterson and ‘The Gov? engaging in verbal fisticuffs over a bond issue for the county is surfacing. My money is on Brooks. While he may not be as lithe as ‘The Gov,? anyone who stands in a pothole up to his waste as Brooks did several years ago to demonstrate the eroding Michigan roads deserves a nod for chutzpa at least.
Ford Motor just announced its largest loss in its 103-year history. And yet bonuses are in store for members of the senior management team because ‘we can’t afford to lose this type of talent.? Wow, from my perch it would seem that these people are the ones who drove Ford into the ditch! If it were me, I would request a different designated driver on the Way Forward campaign. And using the logic of retaining people who led the company into oblivion would mean that the captain of the Titanic would receive a bonus for locating the iceberg.
And while on that subject, it’s good to see that Ford executive Mark Fields is no longer flying home to Florida from Dearborn, Michigan each weekend on the company dime. Last I checked, Southwest and Spirit Airlines had economical flights to Florida. Mingling with us, the unwashed, might just provide Fields with a glimpse of the real Americans who he needs to purchase Ford automobiles. Bring some marketing brochures with you Mark.
A recent survey by GMAC Insurance revealed that Rhode Island has the dumbest drivers in the nation. A twenty-question test was administered to drivers in all 50 states regarding road and driving rules with Oregon coming in at the top and Rhode Islanders scoring the lowest. Shouldn’t the Rhode Island license plates change from being the ‘Ocean State? to the ‘Obtuse State??
And speaking of license plates, perhaps there should be a contest to see which state has the best looking plate and which the worst. For best, my vote goes to Georgia, the Peach State. For worst? Have you seen the Indiana plates? Looks like a green piece of cardboard with numbers inscribed on it with a Sharpie.
Hats off (a ten gallon cowboy hat that is) to country crooner Keith Urban for completing a ninety-day rehab treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic. Sure puts those overnight stays that many celebrities claim to have cured them to shame. Seems like rehab is the new way to say ‘I’m sorry for my stupid, boring behavior and I will disappear for a couple of weeks to make you think that I am truly sorry – although frankly I’m not and will revert to the same behavior when I return.? Rehab seems to be more of a marketing ploy than a real attempt to rid celebrities of their so-called demons.
Wonder how much longer The Godfather of Rock ‘N Roll James Brown will have to wait before his gold casket is lowered into terra firma. Perhaps a loud playing of his 1964 hit, ‘Please, Please, Please? might just convince the locals that it has been delayed for too long. Or just maybe he is staging a comeback?
Now that Hillary Clinton has announced that she is ‘In It To Win,? it got me thinking about the state of politics in our nation. If she were to be victorious and serve the requisite eight years, it would mean that only two families – the Bush and Clinton clan – will have been in the Oval Office for a combined 28 years! As a result of this astounding news, rumor has it that Al Gore is hoping to be adopted by Jeb Bush so he can finally fulfill his life long dream of being President. I don’t think Jeb believes in global warming so Al might just have to ‘warm up? to former President Bill Clinton.
Now we all love animals but was it necessary for several network and cable stations to telecast a fifteen minute tribute to Barbaro the injured 2006 Kentucky Derby Winner that was ultimately euthanized? If only we could spend this much time on some of our fallen hero soldiers who deserve more than a cursory mention in local papers.
The recent story of the deer wandering through the woods with a plastic Halloween pumpkin lodged on its head attracted national ‘Breaking News.? Now I don’t know about you but ‘Breaking News? would be if the deer came to my door ‘trick or treating.? Other than that, shouldn’t ‘Breaking News? be about gas leaks, school closings, natural disasters, and issues involving public safety?
During this heavy flu season is it necessary to exchange handshakes during Sunday services? I asked our local church officials to establish a ban on this practice for at least the winter months and the response was that ‘it was under consideration.? That was last year! In the meantime, I’m just flashing the peace sign. You too?
Have you seen the new multi-colored Michigan plates with the Mackinac Bridge in the background along with a wheat field? Great idea but from a distance it can’t be discerned. Maybe the plates could be made into mouse computer pads.
And this new plate was commissioned by our fulltime Legislative team in Lansing. Nice work. Now what do they do they rest of the year? Michigan is among a small number of states that has a full-time legislature. And even at that, have you seen the number of votes that each of them has missed in the last year? Maybe they were traveling around the nation benchmarking our plate against those of other states.
Seems as if hospitals will continue to market their high-speed emergency room services again this year. Recently I had hernia surgery. The operation began at 9:15AM and I was home relaxing at 11:30AM. I guess the whole process came in under the four hour allotted time frame so I didn’t win a pizza.
Let me make sure I have this right. Cobo Hall needs to be expanded to accommodate the North American International Auto Show and yet attendance at the Black Tie event and the ensuing display of automobiles for the next week or so has been down the last couple of years. And the only other significant event to grace those halls is the S.A.E. convention. Maybe the decreased attendance will dictate the size of the hall, which evidently is not outgrowing its public interest so why is there a need to expand?
The Duke lacrosse ongoing saga appears to be coming to a conclusion with District Attorney Mike Nifong under investigation for misdeeds. Whatever the outcome I subscribe to the theory that ‘nothing good happens after 2:00AM? unless a deer with a plastic Halloween pumpkin on its head accompanied by Ed McMahon comes to your door to announce that you have won the Grand Prize in the Publishers Clearing House Contest. Now that’s Breaking News!

There seems to be so much anger in the world today. We experience it when wer are driving, shopping, at work or in our homes.
So what is going on, and what can we do about it?
Anger is an emotiion that kicks in when we feel threatened. It is a warning sign that tells us something is out of balance in our lives.
It’s like the temperature gauge on a car that let’s us know something is wrong when the light comes on.
Sometimes, we ignore the light until the problem gets worse. Now, what was a minor problem easily fixed by a mechanic, ends up requiring a major overhaul of the car.
Anger works in the same way. What starts out as a simple annoyance can end up excalating into rage, if not dealt with expeditiously.
So what can we do about managing our anger?
First, identify words that describe your feelings of anger. Are you annoyed, irritable, resentful, upset or enraged?
Anger is felt at different degrees of intensity, much like a thermometer. If you can begin to recognize the problem at a lower temperature, you will have a better chance of managing the problem and the anger.
Second, identify the cause of your anger. Are you hurt, sad, feeling discounted, mistreated, etc.? Anger is often a secondary emotion, even though it is the one you are first aware of.
Third, identify your expectations. Often, we feel angry when someone else doesn’t meet our expectations.
Ask yourself if these expectations are realistic. If not, you may need to revise your expectations. If yes, consider the next step.
Identify what needs you have that are not being met. Do you need to be listened to, respected, acknowledged for something? Sometimes we don’t even know what our needs are.
After going through these steps, you will be better prepared to deal with your anger.
You will be treating yourself in a way that means you are listening, paying attention to and respecting yourself.
The next time you start to feel yourself getting angry, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself this important question.
Am I going to allow my anger to manage me, or am I going to take control of my anger?
The answer is up to us.
–Mariahn Gillian, M.A., L.L.P.

Have you noticed that our airwaves no longer carry normal, informative, unadulterated news anymore?
‘Breaking News? has become the standard format, with all news presented in an excitable, almost breathless tone.
News anchors announce what they consider events so extraordinary that they are routinely reported as ‘Breaking News? or ‘Important Bulletins.?
We at home ponder the urgency of the segment, particularly when we discover that a cat previously reported as being lodged in a sewer drain has now been rescued.
Recently in a ten-minute span on our local TV stations there were three ‘Breaking News? stories. One actually had to do with a cat that the day before had become lodged in a sewer drain and through the diligence of firefighters was rescued.
Another ‘Breaking News? segment informed us that Prime Minister Tony Blair’s plane had just overshot the runway, Neither he nor the other 300 passengers were injured. Had Blair not been on board, would we have known that a plane slipped a few feet off the tarmac?
A football game was interrupted with a ‘Special Bulletin,? so we could be informed that a former U.S. President was to undergo hip replacement surgery.
If this is ‘Breaking News,? how would the networks handle the landing of space aliens, or the discovery of the Loch Ness Monster or Sasquatch (Bigfoot) seen shopping at a local mall?
Since we have become conditioned to viewing mundane stories under the ‘Breaking News? headline, the networks would have to invent a new methodology to attract our attention.
How about ‘End of the World News? or ‘If you Miss This Next Segment You Will Awaken In The Morning With Boils On Your Butt?! That might get our attention.
Those of us brought up watching The Huntley-Brinkley Report or Walter Cronkite remember when news was straightforward, meaningful and reported without smiles, inside jokes, asides, innuendo, sarcasm and commentary.
Just can’t imagine Chet Huntley interrupting David Brinkley to inform us that a broccoli recall has just been announced, although the infected vegetable was shipped two months earlier, and to date, no illnesses have been reported.
Trying to separate real news from the blather has become a chore. Maybe all this trivial news was prevalent before but now with advanced communication and 24 hour news programs we are just made more aware of it. On the other hand before ‘Breaking News? became the norm, we were accustomed to news being ‘reported? not ‘created?! ‘Breaking News? should be school closings, gas leaks, issues involving public safety and catastrophic events. The rest is extraneous!
Oh, wait a minute! Some ‘Breaking News? just flashed on my screen. Seems Time magazine just named me its Person of the Year! Now that’s news. In any event I’d better update my resume. And just maybe I’ll be on the 11 o’clock news, right after the ‘Breaking News? story of the deer seen wandering through the woods with a plastic Halloween pumpkin on its head. Oh the intrigue!
(Editor’s note: Interestingly enough, Bill & Mary Kalmar are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary on Jan. 25 – now that’s ‘Breaking News?!)

As the Holiday Season approaches there are several inevitable occurrences that will try our patience. Along with people jostling in lines, the inevitable NASCAR-like jockeying in the parking lots, out-of-stock merchandise and interminably long lines for Santa, we also have to endure the bane of temporary help in stores and holiday-decorated ‘tip jars.?
By and large most temps receive only perfunctory training, not only during the holiday rush, but year round. The theory is why spend time thoroughly training people who will only be employed for a short time?
I’m reminded of a company that won the Malcolm Baldridge National Quality Award several years ago – Pal’s Sudden Service in Tennessee – a fast food chain. The company spends as much time training part time and temporary help as they do permanent employees.
When asked ‘Why?,? the response from President & CEO Thom Crosby is straightforward: ‘We train our temps and part-timers in the same manner as our permanent staff. What if temps and part-timers remain on our payroll due to increased business? We end up with an untrained staff and customer service deteriorates.?
As consumers we expect flawless customer service year round. During the holidays we are not surprised by lapses in service. But exceptional organizations provide a high level of customer service year round.
Speaking of customer service, have you noticed a proliferation of ‘tip jars? which seem to be surfacing everywhere. At first these ‘courtesy canisters? were only commonplace at car washes. Now the jars are permanent fixtures at coffee shops, ice cream parlors, service stations, card shops and delis. And for the holidays, these canisters are festooned with bright ribbons and ornaments. The message is clear – ‘I’ve waited on you for 35 seconds so I deserve a tip!?
Invariably the jar contains an abundance of singles and maybe even a five spot which telegraphs to us that others found the service extraordinary and acted accordingly. I think it’s just a matter of time before the jars make an appearance at hospital emergency rooms as a way of getting moved to the front of the line!
Frankly, my message is this: ‘Since when did I become responsible for increasing the minimum wage in your store and what makes you think that your spending a few seconds with me entitles you to a tip??
This tipping practice is only effective if the clerk sees you depositing coins and currency in the jar. And I have encountered some of the worst service in establishments that display a ‘tip jar?.
Tipping is a practice that is supposed to reward and single out exceptional service.
If some of this makes me sound like the Scrooge That Stole Christmas, so be it. On the other hand, I’m still leaving cookies for Santa to insure that he will return each year, so maybe I have succumbed to the tip jar mania.
In the meantime I hope my butcher isn’t reading this, otherwise that special oyster dressing we ordered for the holidays may contain the shells the oysters came in. Maybe he will have a tip jar on the counter and thus I can stay in his good graces.

When our ancestors traveled through the new frontier in their Conestoga wagons, they had no expectations of smooth thoroughfares.
They encountered roads with a washboard surface, and roads with holes deep enough to swallow wandering buffalo. Move forward several generations, and travel, other than herds of buffalo, remains about the same.
Michigan roads, any time of the year, can loosen fillings in your teeth, not to mention loosening the lug nuts on your automobile wheels! Daily news reports inform us of large potholes and a line up of cars on the shoulder with battered tires.
If you’re lucky to escape a blown-out tire, you may fall victim to a chipped windshield, as tar that was used to fill in the highway cracks is propelled into your windshield by a passing truck.
Recently we traveled to St. Louis to visit our grandchildren. We traveled through Indiana and Illinois before reaching out destination in Missouri.
Once we left Michigan highways, I could absorb the beauty of trees and flowers along the landscape, and not have to scope the roadways with eagle eyes, searching for potholes.
Roads in other states, subject to the same brutal weather we have in Michigan, somehow are not riddled with potholes and raised gravel that unfortunately never made it into the aforementioned potholes.
Who is to blame? Frankly, I think it’s time we hire the paving companies from Indiana, Illinois and Missouri to fix Michigan roads.
And before someone offers that the roads outside of Michigan don’t experience the same frigid weather we have here, let them examine weather reports for those states.
Furthermore, let them check out the road in Canada from Windsor to Toronto. It is readily apparent that the companies responsible for paving in Canada must have read the same paving manual that our friends in other states have read, because their roads are smooth and navigable.
Here’s my solution for Michigan. While traveling any highway, one can’t help but notice the myriad signs heralding that the next two miles of roadway are being cleaned and maintained by a charitable organization, a Boy Scout group or a business located in the area.
This is a good way to keep our highways clean, and yet provide advertising for the company or organization that is maintaining the highway.
How about a sign that reads, ‘The next 25 miles was paved by ABC Paving Company.? Accompanying this statement would be the name of the CEO or president of the company, along with that person’s telephone number.
It’s called accountability—something that is missing in the way Michigan roads are maintained today.

Regular readers of my columns in The Lake Orion Review know that I like to interject a bit of humor, some tongue in cheek comments and some tweaking of politicians or those in authority in my rantings.
Being retired allows me the privilege of no longer having to be politically correct, which is one of the many benefits of my new lifestyle.
Be that as it may, I always attempt to stay within certain boundaries of decency because I have an obligation to you, the readers and to the publishers of The Review.
Having said that I want to digress from my usual light banter and discuss an issue that has thoroughly incensed me over the years, and more so recently.
You certainly have read in the papers or heard on the nightly news that a drunk driver with an alcohol content two times the normal limit was recently responsible for broadsiding a car containing four teenagers.
All four who were students at Lake Shore High School, which is in St. Clair Shores, had stopped at a light on their way to picking up a pizza ? just a typical night in the lives of teenagers.
From out of nowhere came this inebriated, over served, drunken bum traveling at an excessive speed who blasted through the median and demolished the car and the four occupants ? all four died.
The driver of the van escaped with minor injuries and is now being charged for second-degree murder. Obviously the families of the teenagers along with their classmates are devastated. This was a tragedy that was inexcusable.
I suspect over the next couple of months, we will hear stories about the driver of the van and how her upbringing somehow affected her in later life. There always seems to be an excuse for one’s irresponsible behavior. We are a society that looks for answers when a tragedy occurs. Maybe we will hear that she was a victim of domestic violence or that she witnessed it growing up. Or that her grade school teacher failed to call on her when she raised her hand. Or that she was not properly toilet trained. My reaction? I could care less!
The female driver of the van in my estimation is a murderer and she should be incarcerated for the rest of her sordid life with no chance of parole!
I am tired of the excuse that alcoholism is a disease. People who drink and drive and are the cause of a deadly accident automatically give up their rights to be a member of our society. In my politically incorrect world these sots are the debris of society and I have no use for them!
And if the drunk was over-served at a bar or restaurant, then the family of the deceased should sue the owner of the bar, the waitress, and the family of the drunk. Even if the charges don’t stick, it would give all of them grief, though not equal to the grief the victim’s family is feeling.
There used to be a time when comedians made drinking and drunks part of their routine. We laughed because we thought it was cute and harmless. It is no longer harmless and all of those comedians who relied on that type of shtick for their routine have either changed their act or disappeared into obscurity where they truly belong.
Recently, the Governor proposed to extend drinking hours at saloons and restaurants. Just what we need ? more intoxicated morons on the road. I would hope that this idiotic proposal never sees the light of day. And if it does, maybe the Governor should be the one to console the families of those whose loved ones have been killed by some drunken piece of trash who decided to get behind the wheel of a one-ton metal battering ram. Sorry for the serious intrusion into your reading, but I think this is an issue that resonates.

Many senior citizens approach their golden years and retirement with trepidation. Not me.
I retired two years ago after forty years in the business world and am now looking forward to my next forty years in a lifestyle filled with excitement, fulfillment and a schedule of my own making.
Permit me to enumerate just some of the highlights of being retired:
No more dealing with jerks in the workplace. I now live and function in a jerk-free environment!
Forget about being politically correct. As a senior citizen, I can now speak my true convictions. As such, people don’t take offense—they just think that I’m a nut job!
Retirement has allowed me to train for and compete in triathlons where I have even won my age group on several occasions. Not hard to do when you are in the ?60 to death? age group!
Now I can visit usually crowded tourist attractions on the weekdays when no one but my fellow seniors are present—and heck, I can out run and out walk most of them, so I always manage to get to the front!
No more strategic planning meetings where most of the time we never followed the plans anyway. Operating off the seat of your pants always was more appealing, and unquestionably that method beat ‘the plan? every time!
And forget about composing and delivering performance reviews, which frankly are a nuisance. Employees don’t alter their work habits unless their health insurance covers lobotomies.
No more coming in Monday morning and asking the worn out question: ‘How was your weekend?,? followed by the usual mind-numbing response ‘It was fine.? Frankly, I never cared how someone spent his or her weekend!
Golf—Golf—Golf.
And let’s not overlook those discounts for seniors at the fast food chains known as ‘senior sodas;? the discounts on a certain day of the week at grocery and department stores and movie theaters.
Such announcements in the local papers make for good public relations and maybe the companies don’t think we have the strength to show up, but we fool them every time!
On the positive side, I enjoy getting up in the morning, reading the paper with my spouse of 41 years, and then going our separate ways to exercise—she to the gym—me out for my five mile run followed by a seven mile bike ride.
Then both of us meet for lunch—the highlight of my day!
Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying retirement! The best part is observing my neighbors go off to work in the morning, knowing that their day will be filled with jerks, brainless and endless meetings, jerks, and the eventual company reorganization of the section that was reorganized last month!

Before some of you fact checkers write me to explain that locoism is a disease cattle contract by eating loco weed and a malady not inflicted on humans, let me assure you that there are some in our society who dine on this delicacy everyday based on their actions. There are a lot of loco activities going on in our world and frankly there are days when I too join the ranks of those crazy, frenzied folks. Let me give you an example of what is making me a bit askew:
? Our cable provider AT&T just offered us one month of free service for Encore and Showtime. Two months ago we took the free HBO offer for two months. After two months of ‘Caddy Shack? and ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? reruns, we decided to cancel. Now, after just two days of Showtime we are ready to cancel again. What pushed us over the top was a rerun of ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas? ? in July no less! So come tomorrow we will return to our regular programming. Frankly, we don’t need 300 channels anyway!
? Just unpacked a ceiling fan for installation in our family room and as luck would have it, two of the light fixtures were shattered. A call to the fan company had replacements sent to us but when the new lights arrived, the wrong ones were in the package. Another call to a different rep caught the error and new lights are on the way. I’ll let you know if the second time is the charm but normally it takes three times, doesn’t it!
? Have you seen where some of the bailed-out companies are now prepared to pay extravagant bonuses to staff members? Senior management reconciles this idiotic practice as a way to ‘prevent talented people from leaving the organization.?
If these people were so talented, why was the company in financial trouble! I say prohibit bonuses and let these people leave and then let them find a job especially in Michigan where unemployment is at 15 percent and rising!
‘Just as in the business world where CEO’s are obliged to retire at a predetermined age most likely at 65 years of age, the same should be accomplished in the political world. Do I really want some Senator or Representative in his or her 80s or 90s making decisions that will affect me or my children and grandchildren.
Absolutely not!
It is time for these dinosaurs to pack up their orthopedic underwear and hit the road! And I say that as a senior citizen myself! Now go ahead, write me, and tell me that I am discriminating against the aged. Candidly, anyone who is making laws in their 80s and 90s is discriminating against me because he or she no longer identifies with reality and the world I am living in!
? And speaking of senior citizens, how about the run 59 year old Tom Watson just made at the British Open! He forced a playoff after leading most of the time in the four-day event and then lost on the final playoff hole.
Well, time to give cable TV another try. Seems there’s a showing of ‘The Maltese Falcon? with Humphrey Bogart coming on. Now that’s real movie making!
Guest columnist Bill Kalmar is a Lake Orion resident and former director of Michigan Quality Council.

Every parent has either heard or sung the following song:
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round, round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All through the town.
‘Here in Lake Orion we are blessed to have a dedicated troop of professional school bus drivers.? I know because everyday as I run my daily five mile route down Waldon to Lapeer Road and back, I observe a cadre of yellow buses heading back to the bus barn after a busy morning of transporting children to their various institutions of learning.
‘Each morning as I make this trek,’I see smiling faces from the bus drivers.? Could it be that they have delivered their precious cargo to the schools and are now heading back to a more restful environment??
If it were me after a busy morning of transporting a busload of children jockeying for seats, talking and yelling endlessly, sneezing and laughing simultaneously,’I sure would be smiling.?
But I think they are smiling at my antics, which includes honking my Zeppo Marx horn at them!
‘On a daily basis these drivers who also serve as good will ambassadors, psychologists, pugilist interventionists, listening ears, pep talk administrators, wipers of tears, and all around welcoming committee, are entrusted with the youth of the community and they perform admirably.?
The responsibility they have is overwhelming but all handle it flawlessly through rain and snow slickened roads.
‘Sometimes the traffic on Waldon resembles the Indy 500 from work bound drivers who seem to ignore the 40-mile per hour speed limit.? I’m always delighted when these rogue drivers are pulled over by the local constables.??
The bus drivers on the other hand calmly and professionally make the two and half mile run in a respectable and responsible manner.? I know so because I see them every morning.?
In fact, I always carry my trusty horn with me on these runs and I often exchange waves and a’horn honk with the warriors of the road.
‘So as children wait in the morning for the bus that goes ‘all through the town,? rest assured that the drivers of those yellow transportation vehicles are doing their best to assure that all children reach their destination safely.?
I’m just glad to be outside on the road running and not inside the buses with kids whose noses are running!
***
A semi-retired businessman, William J. Kalmar is a regular contributor for a number of both local and national publications. He and his wife Mary have been Lake Orion residents since 1988.? They have three children and 11 grandchildren.

Streaming beams of light into the early morning sky similar to the Bat signal, heralded the location for the second edition of the Brooksie Way Half Marathon on the campus of Oakland University. Thousands of cars streamed into the parking areas and runners emerged ready to tackle one of the toughest half marathons in the state.
The race went off as scheduled and traversed paved streets, both the Clinton River and Paint Creek trails and even a somewhat muddy road. Some of the hills on the route were better suited for 66-year-old legs ambled up and over with little discomfort.
Police blocked off most of the avenues in the community to allow the thousands of runners to proceed unfettered. I suspect some of the residents were a bit miffed but this is a one time a year event and a little bit of inconvenience can be tolerated. Perhaps some of the drivers were on their way to religious services but I think the Almighty who I understand is an avid runner himself, would grant a pass to anyone who was late or who missed their service entirely. I suspect, too, that some of the drivers were on their way to the local donut shop so maybe next year in order to avoid the roadblocks, they should register for the third edition of the Brooksie Way Half Marathon or the 5K run or walk. But that’s just my elitist running personality spewing some humor.
Each finisher received a classic medal with the Brooksie Way emblem emblazoned prominently. And there was ample food and refreshments for all. This was truly an event that year after year will bring thousands of runners to the area. In fact, I met a runner who came with a group of twenty-five from Pennsylvania. This was their first Brooksie.
My favorite moment was getting refreshments from a water station where a neighbor of ours was stationed. We exchanged pleasantries for a couple of seconds but he seemed reluctant to hand me a cup of water. I told him that his job was to provide the runners with water and not keep it for himself and we both laughed together. I thought for a moment that he was protecting a special beverage just for himself to heighten his senses and perhaps ward off a morning chill, but alas it was just water.
Then at the next aid station I must have missed the signage and after accepting a beverage cup and taking a sip, I discovered that it was beer! Not something I needed at 8:35a.m. In some races there are some maverick runners who like to quaff a beer during the event, but not me!
So congrats to Brooks Patterson and the folks from The Crim Foundation who partnered on this event. It was a stellar event and all of us look forward to next year!
***
A semi-retired businessman, William J. Kalmar is a regular contributor for a number of both local and national publications. He and his wife Mary live in Lake Orion .